BRIAN'S FRIENDS AND FAMILY
* * * Mom and Dad
Well, here are my parents, Frank and Theresa Gonsalves, in a picture which dates (I think) to the late seventies. Wow! Don't they look good? Mom doesn't look that different to this day, but Dad, who suffers from diabetes, has grown quite a bit larger. Looking at this picture is just so weird to me. Kinda like how parents get sentimental seeing their grown children's baby pictures. The passage of time is really one of life's greatest mysteries. Birth, growth, death, rebirth, they all occur in and through Time.
I have to say how much I am indebted to my parents. My mom has been a steady bread-winner and a source of security to me for my whole life. If there is one person on this earth who I am sure that loves me, it is my mom. My dad, unfortunately, has been stricken with schizophrenia since before I was born. Right from the beginning this has been a great challenge for him and the rest of my family. My mom deserves a lot of credit for sticking with my dad and not abandoning him to an uncertain and perilous existence on his own. Even though she is not very religious and no longer attends mass, I can't help but consider my mom a saint for fully embracing the responsibility of supporting my dad, my sister, and myself. I know I couldn't do it. To my father's credit, I must admit that there are many talents and interests which I've developed largely because of his example (art, philosophy, theology). I'm also kind of crazy too, though thanfully not as bad as him!
* * * Erin and Shawn
Mcdonna1980@yahoo.com
shawn@mynetspace.orgTwo people who provide me with much refreshing companionship are my sister, Erin, and her husband, Shawn Nelsen. It wasn't always so with me and Erin. For most of our childhood sibling rivalry was the name of the game. As the years progressed, however, and we stumbled painfully into young adulthood, we discovered that a non-combative relationship between brother and sister is one of life's nicest consolations. Not so long ago my sister and I could be spotted in 80's clubs dressed as Madonna and Morrissey respectively. Isn't that a cute brother sister duo? Though very much an avid shoe and clothing shopper, my sister has not only style, but substance too. She is currently majoring in business and art at the local community college. Soon she'll be transferring to Cal State Fullerton.
As for Shawn, I count him as is a blessing too. Shawn and I both like to crack wacky jokes, and also to my liking, he has a substantial collection of wine at his disposal. Though Shawn is a talented musician (once we even day-dreamed of starting our own band) he has done a serious about face with regard to his life plans and changed his college major from music to history. One day he would like to be a teacher.
If you're guessing that place is Florence, Italy in the picture above, you're correct. My sister and Shawn spent a whole semester in Italy the other year. I was fortunate enough to join them for a few weeks in the winter.
* * * Anthony and Ashley
To the right are my much beloved niece and nephew at St. Peter's Square in Rome. You have to admit that they were real troopers accompanying my sister and Shawn to a foreign land for almost half a year. Not that they came back sophisticated cosmopolitans speaking fluent Italian, but to put things in perspective, when I was their age I thought going on a trip to Northern California was a grueling ordeal.
Anthony, now 8, is a dynamo of creative energy. At the first school he attended he was simply known as "Leonardo", the inventor. In our househould he is sometimes referred to as "Baby B", because he takes after "Uncle B", myself, when I was his age. Ashley, who is 6 years old, is known by our family as "the princess". Her beautiful red hair and cute and affectionate personality make her well liked by everyone who meets her. Not only having mere looks and charm, Ashley is also very creative and is an excellent artist.
Though they can sometimes be very naughty and quite a handful, Anthony and Ashley are nevertheless the two main wellsprings of joy in our family. I feel that this joy is very much expressed in a poem by Longfellow entitled "Children".
* * *
Paul Fee
The man with his butt to the sky and his head to the ground amid the sublime Sierra landscape is none other than my maternal uncle, Paul Fee. I guess it goes to show that there is eccentricity among males on both sides of the family.
Uncle Paul was a quiet, steady influence on me throughout my childhood. Above all others, it was he who implanted in me a love for exploration of our world. A simple, often solitary man, he has more daring and knack for adventure than almost anyone I know. Trips and hikes in the mountains with my Uncle are some of my most treasured memories of youth. I must also mention his detached, dry, and yet infinitely zany wit. His sense of humor combined with his zest for observation and discovery make for the perfect partner in adventure. As I wrote these words, my partner was all by himself in beautiful Yosemite. On his agenda was hiking to the top of the famed Half Dome for the umpteenth time, (I topped it for the first time a couple years ago- it was great!). I ask God that Uncle Paul may indeed climb many more peaks, in this life and the next.
* * *Amanda Fee
My favorite cousin, and in fact the only one on my mom's side of the family, is Amanda Louise Fee. Growing up, she, myself, and her father, my Uncle Paul, were the silliest and most joyful playmates the world has yet known. We developed our own bizarre sense of comedy, the result being a string of ridiculous songs and parodies, a bunch of kooky pet names for each other, and even our very own personalized version of the board game "Clue". We had so many inside jokes and comic obsessions that it would be an exercise in futility to try and share them with the outside world. Our humor and zest for life was its best when our families vacationed in Yosemite or when I spent the summer at my Grandma's house in Burbank. You see, my uncle and cousin lived in Burbank so when I was up there too there was bound to be trouble.
Amanda is a young adult now, and having pushed all the way to 27, so am I. Nevertheless, the happy days of our youth will not be soon forgotten. Amanda is a very talented singer. Who knows? Some day one of the weird parodies we wrote as kids might end up a b-side on one of her hit singles!
* * *Evelyn Fee
Mary Evelyn Fee (far right) was a beloved mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. She was the first truly close member of my family whom I have witnessed set sail into the deep, deep waters of eternity. After a struggle with cancer and with miserable respiratory problems she was finally rejoined with her parents, her brothers and sisters, and her cherished husband Pat (her husband must have been some guy, because even though he died before I was born I seemed to hear about him my entire life). It is no doubt always difficult to let go of a loved one, but I have the consolation of knowing that Grandma put such tremendous time and spirit into preparing to meet her Maker. Our lives here on Earth, she used to say, are meant to be spent "preparing for our final exam." And she really seemed to believe in being prepared. I have never really known, in fact, anyone so deeply spiritual and filled with the Catholic Christian faith. If you can imagine a woman who was a cross between a Bible thumping Southern fundamentalist and a fervent, self-denying Catholic mystic, that was my grandmother. Her favorite sources of inspiration were Protestant televangelism, frequent attendance of mass, the writings of the Catholic saints, and of course, the Holy Bible. No doubt, the only thing holding together this unorthodox combination (or was it unorthodox?) was a deep love of her Lord Jesus Christ.
Of course, my grandmother was not a cookie cutter religious zealot, and she was just as human and three-dimensional as anyone else. She loved music to no end, especially Frank Sinatra, she hardly missed a Laker's game, and she even enjoyed watching Seinfeld. One thing I'll never forget is that when I was in my early teens, spending my summers at her house, she would drive me all over the city of Los Angeles, "her old stomping grounds" from the 40's and 50's. That feeble but spirited old woman was midwife to a love affair with that city which is still not entirely gone. Years later, when I was in a spiritual state of total darkness and desolation, she was midwife to my conversion to orthodox Christianity. She didn't force her beliefs on me. She just gently planted little seeds and one day, to my amazement, they sprouted into a real faith. The journey since has been turbulent and unpredictable (I'm not a conventional Christian, if there indeed is such a thing); but my life has been infinitely less vacuous than it was when I was a stubborn, self-absorbed, commited atheist. So many people, for so many reasons, are indebted to the gracious charity of my grandmother. I could never enumerate the many good things she did for other people. Many of her friends probably didn't know that she battled with emotional depression for much of her adult life. She did this without psychiatric medication, instead choosing to rely on prayer and useful work to keep herself occupied. If only I were so brave. Also to her credit, even when I revealed to her that I was gay she never really rejected me as many so-called Christians might have done. She maintained her traditional beliefs about same-sex acts, and I'm sure she worried about me a whole lot, but I was not subjected to ostracism. I guess I could go on and on, but I think I'll simply conclude by asking God to fill my Grandma's heart with heavenly joy and to hear her prayers for those of us here on earth. One more thing. I'll never forget a testimony I found written on a notepad in her bedroom. I discovered it after she died and the last paragraph went something like this: "Of course I'm afraid of death! But the Scriptures say Jesus has taken away the sting of death. I look forward to seeing God face to face, and to being with all the saints, especially Pat."
* * *
Paul Salazar
cool80z@hotmail.comPaul and I sometimes joke that he's my only normal friend. This is, of course, a grave injustice to my numerous other friends, who are neither freakish, bizarre nor insane. I guess the joke arises from the fact that Paul is a simple, humble, sober guy who manages to stay out of trouble. He is in his mid-thirties, doesn't take street drugs, and is a confirmed heterosexual. Now I have friends who both do and do not have the aformentioned mentioned attributes. I love them all. What makes Paul special is a certain jovial simplicity and a very down to earth nature. Paul's down to earth quality is extremely helpful in maintaining my own sanity, as I am something of a brooding, introspective space-cadet. I know Paul from California Video Store, where he worked a number of years. He has since moved on to bigger and better things, e.g. Disneyland- the happiest place on earth (or at least in Anaheim). Interestingly, one of the hobbies of this most normal of guys is keeping up on all things paranormal. He is an avid listener to Coast to Coast, a radio show dealing with strange phenomena. Paul is, of course, able to be friendly with decidedly non-normal people like myself, or that funky stranger with the afro on the left. One day he and I would like to visit Area 51. If we get abducted and are safely returned I'll be sure to tell everyone whether or not "To Serve Man" is really a cookbook.
* * *
Nick Diaz
Nickdapoet@aol.comThough my real Uncle (given tribute above) lives about 40 minutes away, I have the consolation of having a fake uncle who hangs out at my favorite social milieu (and sometime place of employment)- California Video. There must be something avuncular about him (consult your dictionaries) because everyone at the store addresses him as Uncle Nick. My friendship with the man began through a mutual interest in Beat writers like Jack Kerouac and William S. Burroughs. We also both love old music and enjoy kicking it at the video store while playing my oldies rock n' roll and soul CD's. I should also mention that Nick is a security guard and it was he who inspired me to take a position with Pinkerton for 7 months-- the longest I've ever been employed full time! Some time after that we both moved to Universal Protection Service, another guard company, where I worked for 6 months and Nick still holds a position. Being a security guard is actually pretty cool because you often have the leisure to read, write, or draw. Besides the Beat writers, Nick reads fairly widely in modern literature, and some of his own poetry is on my site. Beyond all literature appreciation and production of high art, I should mention that Uncle Nick and I have an ability to crack each other up and be obnoxious together which I consider one of my life's most enjoyable diversions.
* * *
J.R. Klink
The owner and founder of our much cherished California Video is J.R. Klink. Of German and English stock, J.R. left his native Ohio in the 1970's to go take part in the gay revolution in San Francisco. Flowers still in his hair (or not), fate would soon have him in Southern California, opening up a small chain of independent video stores. Quite unfortunately, Blockbuster and other corporate giants steadily gobbled up his business, and there is now only one link left in his once thriving chain; this would be the store on Moody and Ball in Cypress where I first met him and all my other Video Store buddies. To us, the video store is like the bar in the sitcom "Cheers", where everybody knows your name. Another comparison would be with the movie Barber Shop, in which the place where all the neighborhood men get their haircuts is hailed as nothing less than "the black man's country club". The debt which the city of Cypress owes to J.R. Klink is truly great, as he combines in his store a cozy small-town feeling with an atmosphere that promotes high culture, subculture, and just about anything else that doesn't fit into the main stream. This special California Video signature is undoubtedly an expression of the man himself, as J.R. is at once unashamedly open with regard to who he is, unflinching in his dedication to great cinema (whether countercultural or classic), and is still subtly expressive of his roots in the nation's heartland. Thank you, J.R. for creating and sustaining the home of my second family.
* * *
Chris Hanley
Another one of my California Video buddies is a guy by the name of Chris Hanley. Chris has worked on and off at the video store for a few years now (he is filing movies at left) and has been coming in as a customer since he was a kid. Chris is a little bigger and tougher looking than me, but I've actually been surprised how we do have things in common. Chris is a fan of deep and insightful writers like Kierkegaard and Dostoevsky. Like me, he is a real brooder and has had more than his fair share of mental health problems. It would be very interesting to find out which one of us has taken the larger amount of pills in his lifetime. To offset his gloomy existential seriousness, Chris likes to pop the movie "Bubble Boy" in the vcr, or hold court with admiring female customers. Mr. Hanley is a very sincere Christian and there were a few times when he and I had very interesting talks on life and religion. I haven't seen or talked to Chris in a long time, so if he comes across this page I just want him to know that I hope he is OK. Chris has had to struggle with things that would overwhelm most people, and whoever is reading this should say a prayer that his will be the victory.
* * *
Francine and Laila
Well, there's a picture of me with my friends Francine and Laila at their commitment ceremony the other year. Sadly, their marital happiness was not destined to last even a whole year, as they are now split up (at least, though, we all got to enjoy a wedding party which was a real blast). They are both still very young and they seem to be blessed with confidence and optimism after going their own seperate ways. It is my sincere hope that I can remain friends with both of them for a long time. Laila and I have known each other for about three years (that's a rough estimate), and Francine and I will have known each other for 5 years this coming summer. I've had many fun, crazy, and also poignant times with both these girls, and they will certainly always be welcome participants in my strange little life.
* * * Raymund Burns
My friend Ray has never really tried to be the average, typical guy, and he has always made it a point to be true to himself. The result is a young man who is cool, very confident, and very individual. I've known Ray for over four years and for the most part being his friend has been an interesting, rewarding experience. He's a few years younger than me and I think his spontaneity and wildness balance out my seriousness and semi-maturity. You would be surprised at how tough someone as openly and outwardly gay like Raymund really is. I'd want him backing me up in a fight any day (one time he actuallly kicked a guy's tooth out!). Ray is very much at home in any "ghetto" environment. In fact, one of his most endearing qualities is his ability to talk like he's a completely ghetto black woman, (he can also speak fluent Spanish). Even though he frequently doesn't play things by the book (he's no stranger to sex, drugs, and certain criminal acts), Raymund has from very early on seemed to me to possess a unique degree of character and integrity. It's hard to describe it, but that impression of him has never left me. I trust and respect him, and I look forward to many more years of friendship with little Ray Ray from the block.
* * *
Jimmy Taafe
Jimmy is another member of the cool group of friends that I met in the summer of 2001. Once upon a time, he was a paired with another of my friend's, Lisa Hobson: they have both now gone their seperate ways. Jimmy is a tough, stocky guy, and as the Freddy Crougar picture above sugests, he is sometimes a little scary (at least to sensitive artists like me!). That much said, it remains for me to pay tribute to the real and inner Jimmy that I have gotten to know and appreciate over time. He is most truly tough when it comes to character and integrity, and I have always sensed that he cares about people who are weaker and more vulnerable than himself. A while back Jimmy got into some pretty heavy drug and alcohol problems, but he now goes to AA and has been clean and sober for over a year. He just wasn't himself when he was using, and I think his decision to embrace sobriety is more evidence that ultimately he is an admirable person. I do not know where the river of time will sweep myself and all of my friends, past and present, but it has been my privilege to be a buddy of a genuinely nice guy like Jimmy Taafe. I hope we don't become strangers too soon.
* * *
Steve Pulver
mail@superpennysaver.com
Steve Pulver has been my cool buddy for almost five years now. I met him at a party at my house and we clicked with each other pretty well. There are lots of stories I could tell about Steve and I, adventures we've been through together, wild times in Mexico and so on. But I won't- there's not enough space. And I really don't feel like saying much anyway. Steve is important to me for reasons that are kind of hard to put into words. Having him to talk to and hang out with is like a comfort zone in my frequently sucky life. He helps the misery fade away. It will be really hard on me if Steve ever fades away. Anyway, I hope to see you on the flip side, friend. You will always have respect in my eyes and affection in my heart. If the world can't handle that, then forget about the world.
* * * * *
An Unfinished Work
What we have above us is a fairly lage chunk of my friends and relations. Unfortunately, I haven't covered everyone I'd like to, so if you're feeling pissed off or heartbroken right now 'cause you've been excluded, just be patient: I promise I will get you on this page at some time or another. If you're already on the page but don't like something I've said about you, then send me an e-mail or leave a dead fish on my doorstep. (it's an old Sicilian message that means Brian Gonsalves will swim with the fishes)
----Take care everybody!
TO BE CONTINUED
