November 5, 2006 I am lost in a jumble of thoughts. Facts on the Vietnam War. Molestor priests. Left wing, right wing. The Resurrection of Christ. The truth of Catholicism. Scapegoating. Cats, dogs, poverty and wealth. My resentments. My petty little wounds. My deep insecurities. My anxiety about death. Always back to death my mind turns. Even the thought of Heaven will perplex me with despair. I'm so smart. I'm so nice. Whatever. I'm gay. A conundrum if there ever was one. My boredom with life- something that eats my heart and soul out every day. But why am I telling you this, you bastards? Oh well. If you can be interested in the website of this jobless young man, and consider it to be a work of merit, I am bound to count you as most generous and open-minded friends. As a general statement, I am really lucky to have so many people in my life who put up with me, sometimes even finding it entertaining. (Perhaps God made me humorous out of pity for the people who would otherwise have to live with my gloom.) I'll end this meandering entry with a prayer to St. Mary Magdalene. May I one day be humbled. Accepting that I am lost so that Christ the Lord might find me. May my many small and limited humiliations, with their corresponding redemptions and healing graces from God; may these all at last be summed up in a total and final humility so that this arrogant and yet ever so terrified soul of mine might be saved in God forever. Beg this for me of the Saviour. Weep on my behalf, Mary Magdalene. You who are most beautifully humble of all sinners made saints. AMEN November 6, 2006 Wow! I got a lot of work done tonight on the website. Thank you disability money for giving me a comfortable, leisurely existence which I shall for a short while exploit doing creative work. Soon it may be back to the grind. But that is all fine with me. Good night. November 9, 2006 I fear that very soon I may become either brazenly conceited, or else do the world a measure of genuine good. My new medication, Geodon, seems to be working, and that means my mind is sharper. I was recently told by a fellow blogger ( who happens to be an educated professional) that he forced a group of his friends to sit down and read my posts, and they concluded that they were briliant and probably written by a college professor! Can you believe that? I feel at once blessed by such an assessment, but also frightened that, hearing these things, I will not be able to keep down to earth and humble. I believe in Jesus Christ. Even if I am elected smartest boy in the universe but have not Love, I am nothing. Pray for me that I may use my unusual gifts for the good of others and to the greater glory of God; not myself. Good night, friends. November 15, 2006 I find that my thoughts have turned to Sacha Cohen's comedic masterpiece/outrage: "Borat". Yes, his cultural learnings seem to have brought on a number of law suits from cast members, both paid participants and unwitting dupes. And all this as it has become a word of mouth generated blockbuster. What mesmerizing spirit is in possesion of Mr. Cohen, the young British Jew who has, according to Michael Moore, created perhaps the most subversive comedy in history? Is it an angel or a devil who drives him? I hazard that his personal genie is an intelligence neither angelic nor demonic, as the geist would be too disorderly to be of heaven and far too sparklingly ridiculous for the melancholy depths of the netherworld. How I split my sides laughing and yet also found myself gawking at startling revelations of raw, unpolished, real human life. Man could he bring out the bigotry in some people in that film! Yes, the man who gave us Borat is a genius, an inspired man. For genius is not essentially a number, an IQ point, as the vulgar academic goons think; genius is inspiration: uncanny, surprising, unsettling, and having the capacity to make great things happen. Oh well. I have again sung the praises of Borat. May Cohen not die of fame-induced vanity and may he escape being lynched by an incensed Kazakh mob. November 16, 2006 I have nothing to say to you tonight. I can't believe you come back to this web page again and again. Oh well. Perhaps one could say that I self-advertize. PERHAPS. November 17, 2006 It's so funny-- I was trying to remember what I did today and I was really drawing a blank. I guess I am ready to get a job! Upon reflecting harder, I recall that I went for a bike ride, saw my therapist, tried to get my friend Chris to watch "Borat" with me (which we didn't do), ended up watching "The Sorrow and the Pity" at home (an excellent but really long documentary about Nazi occupied France-- a masterpiece, but pretty heavy stuff); later I posted on the "Christians Who Love Brokeback Mountain Thread", and since have been cruising the internet, reading Wikipedia, etc. Maybe I should buy the Encyclopedia Brittanica computer version so I don't have to be such a Wiki addict. Its not always reliable scholarly, though Wikipedia is admittedly a fun read. I also have recourse to the Catholic Encyclopedia of 1917, on New Advent. Well, that's all for tonight. November 21, 2006 It's the eve of Thanksgiving's eve. Try to control your craziness people! This week I went to confession for the first time in over a year, so that was a relief. Now I can go receive the eucharist. Also, I thought of a very witty Christmas gift for my best friend. If I can pull it off it will be my coup of the year. Just smashing, but we shall have to see if it can be done. What else. A lady kindly told me to not identify myself as Brian, an addict, at Alcoholic's Anonymous meetings. Instead I can perjure myself, not be a full participant, or else hang out with Courtney Love at Narcotics Anonymous. The thing I go to is so convenient as its down the street at my Church. I've got an idea: instead of me doing anything different, how bout all the alkies identify themselves as drug addicts because, guess what? alcohol is a drug! Maybe I'm being a little pissy, but honestly it frustrates me. It seems stupid. Other than all this I'm just the same Catholic nut/internet junkie, always saying things I really mean until it makes people cringe. Good night, my sweet silly world November 23, 2006 Gobble gobble. Yep, Turkey Day came and went. How festive it all was, especially with me nodding off and sleeping on a couch for an hour-- right in the middle of the gathering. They obviously made me get up way too early this morning. I have good news in that an online Catholic mag has asked me to write an article for them. Yeah! It shall concern matters Christian and gay. I hope I can pull something off. It will be a dream come true. Well, good night everyone. Pray for the Bri Guy. November 27, 2006 My mind is so fragmented right now. Whatever my medication is doing for me, it is not helping my concentration. It really sucks (not being able to read more than a chapter of a book for example), but at least I'm not in a South American prison having my genitals jolted with electric shocks. I am pretty miserable, but at least my life is not the hell of the homeless, the persecuted, the physically molested. Thank you God for, at the time being, sparing a wimp like me from such tortures. As for you other lucky wimps out there, try to think of those less fortunate than yourselves. It is good for you. That is all I have to say. November 29, 2006 December is almost here. My birthday is almost here. Christmas time is upon us. Why do people get depressed during Christmas time? I'll admit, I'm not big on the holiday music that gets played on the radio; but come on people-- what about presents? Don't you like presents? I do. My birthday is at the very beginning of December so I don't have one of those bum deals of people who have their date of birth near or on Christmas. They get their gifts smooshed into one single gift offering. I get two entirely seperate and full offerings, all in one month! But beside all that, Christ is celebrated as incarnate in the world. Emmanuel- "God is with us". Christmas is a very incarnational time (pardon the theology talk). Everything material seems redeemed. Screw all that stuff the Puritanical preachers say about Christmas becoming too materialistic. The Word was made FLESH and dwelt among us full of grace and truth. God is present in his creation, his blossoming new creation that is, and we can celebrate this epiphany by giving and receiving gifts. Go out and waste your money on really cool stuff, everybody, and give it to people you love and who deserve it. Paul writes in his letter to Timothy that "all created things are good, provided they are received in a spirit of thanksgiving". Glorify God by rejoicing in what is given to you. and serve him by being a giving person yourself; for it is written in Scripture: God loves a cheerful giver. That's all I have to say. In less than a week I'll be 28. Good night. December