February 6, 2007 Yesterday Chris and I went to Disneyland! That's right. Paul got us in free and we went to "Soaring Over California", "Space Mountain", "The Jungle Cruise", "Indiana Jones", "Star Tours", and "Pirates of the Caribbean". Wowee! Admittedly, it wasn't as fun as when I was a kid. But it sure beats going with Chris to Best Buy or Borders Book Store. Chris had a panic attack on the Soaring Over California thing. I guess he is afraid of heights. He looks and acts so tough. I know the vulnerable Chris on the inside. And here I am telling everyone about it in my diary. That would make me a bastard. But seriously, Chris is awesome. If he wasn't with me at the theme park, I would have just curled up on a bench until I was escorted from the premises. I should thank Chris for helping me find my way to my car at the end of the day too. And of course a big thank you to Paul for getting us in. Today I mostly was at the computer trying to save the "Christians Who Love Brokeback Mountain" thread that I started at the Ultimate BBM Web Blog. Most auspiciously, I have been banned from the forum. That was hard to take. It's really quite unbelievable, considering there are threads there on pets, quitting smoking, and Star Trek. (not exactly gay or BBM related) I think the issue of gays and Christianity deserves a place (which was vindicated by the 40,000 + viewings the thread got), but I suspect there must be a strong current of anti-Christian sentiment coming from somewhere. For now, it seems I can do nothing as they have severed me from so much as entering the web forum. I can't even browse through the pics of Jake Gyllenhaal anymore! This evening I went to a gay Catholic meeting in Long Beach and saw a film called "The Saint of 9/11". It was about a Franciscan monk (openly gay to his intimate friends) who was a well known chaplain of the New York City firefighters. From the testimonies of the people in the film, he really was a wonderful guy. To the homeless, to AIDS patients, to fellow alcoholics (he was a member of AA). He died in one of the towers alongside the firemen who loved him. His name is Mychal Judge. The film is worth watching if you can find it. February 13, 2007 I took matters into my own hands (and no, this is not going to be another entry about masturbation) and have temporarily upped my antidepressant dosage without consulting with my doctor. Well, it has had an effect. I would have been very disappointed if it hadn't. And yet things aren't exactly as they should be. I feel very numbed out. I'm anaesthetized emotionally; I care less about other people. I'm on an antidepressant heroin kick! That's why I quoted the Nirvana lyrics way up on the top of the page. He is talking about being on a plane emotionally, as in a geometrical plane-- he is stuck on the same level. And he can't complain because the reason he is on this level is that he is trying to maximize the pleasure and, above all, minimize the pain in his life (through chemicals). So that's me, folks. Depression is so fucking painful that I'll sell half of my soul not to feel such agony. I felt guilty at the AA meeting tonight- like I was cheating, with all these powerful antidepressants I'm taking; as if this makes me not truly sober. Which saddens and distresses me. I want to be sober. I am an addict. I am also mentally ill. I am also a human with spiritual and emotional responsibilities. It's all so confusing. Aaargh. And good night. February 14, 2007 Wow. Today was Valentine's Day. People say Christmas depresses them. I don't sympathize. It is Valentine's day that sucks. Here's to these lonely arms of mine. Here's to unrequited love. Here's to perpetual longing and perpetual disappointment. Oh well, at least I have a cute cat to pet. My furry little Carmel, my adorable feline buddy. Anyhow. Good night all ye poor fellow victims of Cupid's wrath. February 2007