 September 2, 2005 Today I obtained a prescription for Modafinil, the mild stimulant that I obtained a few days ago for my friend Steve when I crossed into Mexico. Now I have a slip from my doctor ensuring a two month supply for myself. I told him that I tried the medicine obtained in Mexico and that it worked for me. He was open minded enough to let me continue the experiment. Hopefully it will enhance my trip to New York and Europe. I’m kind of scared about everything to tell you the truth. But I will probably survive. As I’ve mentioned, I once spent three weeks alone in Tijuana, Mexico. My guardian angel must be very compassionate, as well as good at his occupation. Tonight I saw the new movie “The Constant Gardener” with Ralph Fiennes. It was directed by the man who did “City of God”, which I think was extraordinary. This new movie was not quite as good as “City of God“, but I consider it a worthy effort. The director, whose name I can’t recall, is very good at convincing you that you have really been transported to the Third World. If the picture he paints is indeed accurate, then I believe my money that went for the ticket was well spent. We Americans, Europeans, and Japanese need a bit of a reality check. There are greater problems in the world than bad cell phone connections or high gas prices. For many people, life itself is lived on a tight rope. Maybe the situation in Louisiana and Mississippi is jolting us a bit from our ivory tower. Who knows? I got to hang out with Steve for a little bit after I got home from the movie. He will be in the Philippines in just a few days. Right now the poor guy is being harassed by a really bad tooth ache. After he leaves, I will not see him until I get back from Europe at the end of October. I will miss him a lot. He is my beloved friend. That’s about all I have to say for the evening. A happy birthday to my friend Nick, who just turned 51. I would also like to give my condolences to the people of New Orleans. You guys were definitely the coolest city in the South. I’ve never been over there, but I’ve seen “Easy Rider” and I just have an intuitive way of knowing these things. Maybe I’ll make it to Mardi Gras some day when you’ve got your city rebuilt. Cheers and good night. September 3, 2005 Not much transpired today. At around 9:30 I went to Club Addiction in the city of Downey. It is one of my preferred clubs. It plays 80’s music like the Smiths and Depeche Mode and has a mostly Hispanic clientele. My friend Laila was waiting for me there and we had a pretty good time. I think I dance pretty well for a white guy, but that is entirely subjective. I‘m sure there are plenty of people who would ridicule me if they saw the way I danced. The world is full of assholes. Anyway, I don’t have my Modafinil yet because my doctor messed up and wrote it up on the wrong type of prescription. I guess I’ll have to wait a few more days to get all hyped up on legal drugs. Or not. It all depends on my delicate, unpredictable brain chemistry. Hopefully the new med will fight off some of my chronic depression. Good night September 4, 2005 We had a small family get together today. My mom barbecued and my uncle Paul made us home-made ice cream. Yum yum. I just got through watching “Boyz in the Hood” with Ice Cube and Cuba Gooding Jr. It was a pretty good movie and it made me cry during a certain scene. I said goodbye to my friend Steve tonight. I’ll be missing him for the next month and a half when he‘ll be in the Philippines. His flight should be taking off in a couple hours. I told him that if he dies on this trip then he has to be my guardian angel. He has a hard time imagining himself as being anything that good, but he‘s a better guy than he knows. Well, its hot, and the night feels black and empty. I don’t want to go to bed just yet, but there’s not exactly a lot to do on a Sunday evening. “Be still and know that I am God”. That’s what the psalm says. Sounds appropriate for Sunday, our appointed day of rest, but its harder than one might think. Entering into a meditative state is a challenge for we modern people, with our huge appetite for distractions. I guess I’ll break my journal off here, folks. Pray that Steve might find his biological father in the Philippines. That’s the main reason he went, I think. Sweet dreams. September 5, 2005 Labor Day came and went. Pretty much an empty day. I devoted some time to looking at a recently purchased hostel guide that covers establishments in France and Italy. My month alone in Europe is going to be an odd affair. I have strong doubts as to whether I will make any friends over there. The ambition to write a short (maybe 100 page) book has gestated within me. I will certainly have leisure, and the beauty of Paris- the city of light, and Rome- the eternal city, might provide me with some inspiration. My journals, and basically all other internet activity except e-mailing, will break off as soon as I begin my trip. When I get back you shall find out whether I have lived up to my literary ambitions. My heart is sorrowful, but I still have hope. In this I am basically like the rest of mankind. I feel myself standing dazed beneath a fierce sun. Looking backwards toward my birth I sense an abyss of ineffable mystery. Looking forward to the end of my mortal life I sense something very similar to the first abyss. I don’t have much else to say, guys. I am a wounded spirit, but I’m afraid that if I speak of this too much an intolerant person will kick me down into the dust. It always seems to happen, so I will choose to silence myself. Good night, everybody September 6, 2005 The highlight of today was going on a little explorative trip to L.A. with my friend Paul. We ate at Philippe’s Sandwich shop in downtown L.A. After eating we walked to the federal courthouse, wandered around in there, and then went to the City Hall. Los Angeles City Hall is a very impressive building dating I believe to the 1930’s. After going through metal detectors and signing in we took elevators to the 27th floor of the building. There was a very nice meeting room up there and an observation deck that wrapped around the entire building. It was one of the best views I’ve ever had of Southern California. Paul and I agreed that it would be great to come up there on a really clear day. Yes- we actually have those in SoCal, usually after a rainstorm that has blown the smog away. After we got back to Paul’s car, we headed to Ferndell in Griffith Park. Ferndell is a beautiful wooded area around a stream- it contains many ferns and other luxuriant plants. It’s off of Los Feliz boulevard and I recommend you go there on a weekday when its not too crowded- its one of this region's nicest park areas. When we got home and parted ways, I was annoyed to find that we have still made no progress on obtaining the modafinil the doctor prescribed me. The insurance company is being difficult and my psychiatrist has not contacted the right channels. Aargh. Angrily I took an ibuprofen and my evening tranquilizer tablet. I washed them down with a soda. This was somewhat helpful in alleviating the headache which had bothered me almost all day. Mom made Chinese stir fry food tonight, and around dinner time the kids entertained us by reenacting (on an extremely small scale) Hurricane Katrina in our backyard. Anthony swung on our backyard swing wildly while Ashley ran around shouting about how bad Hurricane Katrina was. She was holding something she was pretending was a camera, but I couldn’t tell what it was because it was too dark. Kids are amazing- they can make even a once in a century size disaster a source of joy and fun. I’m jealous! Later on in the night I went over to my friend Francine’s apartment and smoked pot. We talked, watched some Dave Chapelle show, and I enjoyed the complete subsiding of all remnants of my headache. Whatever negative effects weed may have, people are absolutely right who advocate it as an effective pain reliever for those who suffer from chronic pain. Anyway, I decided a little after midnight to return home. Since I’ve been home I’ve read from a book about “Mysterious Monsters” which is really cool- its about dragons, fairies, vampires, Bigfoot, Loch Ness monsters and so on. I’ve also masturbated to some free gay porn I found on the internet. Nothing too unusual. I can’t think of anything edifying to say on the subject of porn, other than that it has an allure which is difficult to resist, especially for males. I am a lustful human, and confused. So called “Catholic guilt” no doubt unsettles my mind, but I’m not so sure I would like to banish the conscience which the Church has over the years fostered within me. Do I in truth merit shamelessness? I don’t know what to pray for, so I’ll ask you the reader to pray for me if you think you might know what I really need. Take it easy everybody, and try to be kind to your fellows. September 8, 2005 I did not make an entry for yesterday. Suffice it to say that the day’s climax was my consumption of a potent dose of marijuana in the form of delicious fudge brownies. It took about 40- 50 minutes for the stuff to kick in. I ate at least 4 brownies and I woke up today still stoned. I remained stoned throughout the day, without consuming any more weed. Then I re-dosed around 8:30 PM. Shazam... We went and saw the tail-end of a performance by the band “Fates Own”, whose lead singer is my brother in law’s friend. I was stoned, faded, baked, however one might want to put it. Now I’m at home trying to enjoy my whacked out state of consciousness. To be completely honest, I am greatly troubled by scruples. I struggle with deep feelings of moral failure because of my continued dependence on drugs of various kinds. Perhaps this whole drug thing is related to my artistic nature. I’ll admit to liking drugs because they make me feel more powerful, or because they build up my ego. However, the deepest impulse which drives my use of drugs is the desire for beauty. Baudelaire wrote a short book on hashish, opium, and wine called “Artificial Paradises”. An artificial paradise would be a perfect description of the ideal aesthetic world which I would like to create for myself through the use of psychoactive chemicals. As William Blake wrote: “When the doors of perception have been cleansed, everything will appear to man as it is- infinite.” These words resonate with me, but are my intentions solely to grasp limitless beauty in an act of purified perception? Perhaps ego and the desire for beauty are fused together in my continued use of drugs to enhance creativity. The artist not only is a worshipper of beauty but a revered mediator of it as well. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not a wild, eccentric, bohemian sniffing coke, dropping acid, or popping reds or Dexedrine. My kind of drugs are weed, caffeine, the mild tranquilizer klonopin, and antidepressants. Nevertheless, I am in a way like some of the tormented artists, writers, and poets who have resorted to the use of heavy intoxicants over the centuries, To be honest, there is a pain in my heart that I try to reach with drugs, but which drugs have never managed to alleviate. (they did come close a couple times!). If it is at all possible to sum the situation up: I believe that I am a troubled addict, but that the solution to my problems is not as clear as our “just say no” culture makes it out to be. Well, I’m dazed and confused so I’m gonna quit the diary. Good night, friends. September 9, 2005 Well, I have to hand it to my mom. Virtually an entire week of her wrangling with our insurance company has made it possible that I am on the drug my doctor prescribed me last Friday. She is really amazing. I would be bumbling around in darkness without her. That is the good news. The bad news is that tonight I went to “OZZ”- Buena Park’s premier trashy gay club for young people. I never feel entirely comfortable there and usually feel like either an aloof loner or a poor lost child. But my friends went, and so I went too, experiencing time to time the consolation of checking out a few notable hotties. Unfortunately, Francine and Laila (recently broken up) got into some big drama. They didn’t attack each other directly, but there was a small brawl and Francine was involved, as well as a friend of hers, as well as a friend that Laila had just made. I’m not sure in what way Laila was involved. I was in the smoker’s patio, staring off into space at the time. A few people came outside complaining of a fight in the club. I assumed that it was some gay cholos (they do exist, and OZZ is the place to find them). I was later to learn that it was my friends who played leading roles in the drama. Oh well. Besides going to a seamy, yet undeniably unique gay club, I accomplished a few more things today regarding my trip. My mom and I went down and got European currency around noon. My sister booked me a flight from Paris to Rome for next to nothing. I’ll take that flight about two weeks into my Euro tour. Finally I booked two weeks at a hostel in the Latin Quarter of Paris, about 15 minutes from Notre Dame cathedral. Slowly, the odds and ends of my trip are coming together. I probably could not have done it without all the help I’ve gotten, so thank you especially to my mom and sister. A retired math teacher who comes to the video store was also very kind and gave me a map and tour book of Paris. Soon I shall have to bid everyone in the states adieu, but not without feelings of affection, and not without looking forward to seeing everybody when I get back. It’s funny, but I’m already starting to make a few plans about things I want to do when I get back. I am not fixated on my trip to the exclusion of everything else. That’s about all I have to say. I had my final marijuana brownie today and was somewhat amazed to have surpassed 48 hours in a stoned state of consciousness. I’ll soon be emerging from the delirium and focusing on my final preparations for the trip. Say a prayer for me. September 10, 2005 You know that feeling you get immediately after a masturbation-induced orgasm? That sag in your vital spirits, that emptiness? It is so mocking coming merely seconds after you were thinking “this is so good, I could go on doing this all night.” Anyway, I guess you can imagine what I’ve been up to this evening in front of the computer. Actually its almost 5:00 in the morning, but that’s evening for me. Today I didn’t get a whole lot of things done, but it was pleasant enough. No big surprises other than that Steve finally wrote me an e-mail from the Philippines. He’s not the best letter writer, to be honest, but he was in a hurry- he said the internet café was crappy and he didn’t have time to write much or send pictures. Nonetheless, I detected in his writing an undeniable sense of wonder. He mentioned that he felt he was getting to know "his people" better than he had expected, and that he was getting a real experience of the Third world. I’m happy that he’s learning. I wonder if he’ll meet his real dad? I knew it was a good idea for him to go to the Philippines! I’m off to bed now. Maybe if I die in my sleep I’ll awake in purgatory doing penance for my masturbation and porn habits. I really do like the idea of purgatory. Compare it to Calvinist ideas about predestination and reprobation and you can appreciate what a kind religion Catholicism is. Well, I guess I’ve turned a diary entry about personal masturbation into a theology lesson. I trust my frequent readers are used to this kind of weirdness. Good night. September 11, 2005 It’s September 11, so I suppose you guys expect me to say something about terrorism, politics, what it means to be truly patriotic, or so forth. Well, to be honest, I’m not really moved to add to the deluge of things that have been said and that are being said about the subject of this grave anniversary. An “I don’t give a fuck about it” attitude is wrong, but we don’t have to wave flags around to be real Americans either. I’ll just say that 4 years ago, on the eve of September 11, I was in Tijuana, Mexico with my friends. I was acting like a damn drunken fool- not that unusual back then. When I was told about the attacks the next morning by my friend Steve, the both of us didn’t really care. We started singing the REM lyrics “it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!”. Basically, we acted like assholes (we were in a good mood because we had eluded being sent to a Mexican police station the night before). It wasn’t until I got home and saw a photograph of the ruins of the towers that it began to sink in that an awful tragedy had occurred. I’ll be in New York city in 2 days. It’ll be the first time I’ve been there. I wonder if I’ll go see the twin towers site? I’m looking forward to seeing Central Park as well as some of the museums. My boyfriend and I should have a good time. After 2 weeks in NYC its off to Paris and later to Rome. I’m starting to feel a bit more confident about this whole “Brian goes on a journey- thing” than I have been. However, one never entirely knows what the future holds in store for us. Please (and I really mean this), pray that I will return from Europe safe and unmolested. I’ve decided to make this the last journal entry I’ll post until my return. God bless everyone. Thanks to all my friends and family for being so great, and for helping me to have a life.
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