 December 13, 2005 Well, well, well, everybody- it looks like I've resumed full supervision and control of this little web-kingdom, this plot of cyberland, this Breathing Space! I've returned from Europe, realm of beauty and decadence, and I'm back in business. Watch out, folks, the fireworks are really gonna begin.... Or something like that. I've actually been home for a while. Since the end of October, I think. I've been wanting to present some sort of grand exhibit on my website concerning my world travels. Unfortunately, the concentration, energy, and resolve necessary has not yet welled up within me. I really might do a neat little spread on my 6 week journey. It will just take some time. The whole "writing a book while in Europe" concept, even a very small book, proved pretty much beyond my powers. Too bad. Not too much has been going on since I've been back. I'm still pretty much the same guy living pretty much the same life. I turned 27 the other week and feel perfectly fine about that. I am single now. 2 weeks together in New York proved enough to completely sever me and my boyfriend. I've taken a great liking to our family's cat Carmello, who I adopted the other year. He's my main snuggling partner. I miss having a homo sapien to hold, but I'll just have to wait and see what God has in store for me. I had a really bad day today and wish I didn't have to go to bed alone, but I still do have a lot to be thankful for and I won't exactly be crying myself to sleep. Sweet dreams, world. p.s. everybody go see "Brokeback Mountain" December 15, 2005 Not much transpired today. I spent quite a while hanging out at the video store. I went to see my niece and nephews' Christmas show. I began a little essay about my life as sufferer of that which is called "clinical depression". Its been 10 years now. I'd also like to write about my 9 years of drug addiction (in varying dgrees of severity, of course, with 1 year of complete sobriety- now passed!). I'd even like to be really bold and make some sort of general conclusions concerning what my life is really about. If it gets done it will be interesting, though perhaps it will not be what is referred to as light reading. In any event, as Kierkegaard believed- life can be understood backward, but it can only be lived forward. What the future holds for me I do not know. I don't know if I have the will to go completely sober (with zero tranquilizer prescriptions, for example), but I would like to set myself on a more disciplined track with regards to pill consumption, be more productive generally, and make myself more available for the service of others. Perhaps this is pure fantasy. But, oh well. May God have mercy on me, and the rest of the world too. Good night, everybody December 23, 2005 My friends, I am having one of those days where I feel like I have no friends, where I feel like the lonely bird perched upon the housetop. At least I have my website, and at least my prescription for Klonopin got refilled. One interesting thing that has transpired is that I've been communicating with gay theologian James Alison abut possibly doing a talk here in SoCal geared toward Latino youth (I know a lot of young Latino gays and James would be just perfect, I think, to talk with them) He seems very receptive to the idea. Being Christian is difficult enough; being a gay Christian can be an agony. James has one of the few voices out there that is genuinely reassuring. Jesus says to carry your cross, but he also assures us that his yoke is easy and his burden light. It sure doesn't seem that way at times. Anyhow, say a prayer for me that I will be a freer, more loving and joyful person. Adios, and stay tuned for continual updates to my website. December 28, 2005 Wow, what a day. I got to go on a ten mile bike ride with my mom, uncle and nephew up in the Angeles National Forest, and then, interestingly enough, I got to see "Brokeback Mountain" for the second time with none other than my ex-boyfriend. The forest was beautiful, and I was happy to share the experience with family members. The 3 and 1/2 or so hours with Damian were enough to remind me that there are good reasons for us not to be with each other any more. I won't go into detail about why Damian is capable of peeving me. As it turns out, gossip and malicious criticism indeed constitute vices, even when indulged in by me. Go figure. As for Brokeback Mountain, it was very much worth seeing a second time. It is a movie that deserves reflection- time to be soaked in emotionally and intellectually. The first time I saw it I was truly struck by the unique power of Heath Ledger's performance, just as so many others have been similarly impressed. Honestly, all the talk is not for nothing: this is one hell of a movie. Jake Gyllenhaal's Jack Twist and Heath Ledger's stunning Ennis Del Mar will not be soon forgotten amidst the vast host of other lonesome cowboys crowding the Hollywood- "American Western" landscape. Ledger makes his character so real, so alive, so believable. If only a non-movie expert like myself could forcefully express himself other than through applause, stammering spoken praise, or through the tears welling up in my eyes (no kidding- it really made me cry). But you know I can't shut myself up for long, so I'll at least attempt a few meaningful statements. Not only does Ledger come across as a completely authentic American cowboy- masculine, tough, stoic; he creatively transforms this seemingly immutable and inpenetrable archetype (which had long since degenerated into a mere stereotype) by showing us his character from the inside out. Some great inspiring force has allowed Ledger to express in his terse, laconic dialogue and in his mannerisms, posturing, and physical bearing, that deep inside he is subject to a profound sensitivity and a vulnerability which is only rarely permitted in iconic masculine figures. The heroic but deeply solitary cowboy who has dominated the landscape of the American imagination has always bourne his solitariness as a mystery, a haunting question mark. It is this mystery, this mystique of the lonesome cowboy, which has been among the strongest ingredients in the intoxicating power of the mythology of the West. Heath Ledger's Ennis Del Mar reveals the nature of his own hidden mystery as being an enduring but forbidden love, a love crippled and wounded by shame. Coming to a familiarity with Ennis Del Mar in the course of the film's two or so hours is like watching an imposing grizzly or a majestic, noble wolf ensnare itself in a fierce and unshakeable steel hunting trap. We see a creature of strength and beauty come to be mired in agony. Gradually reduced to limping along, occasionally releasing a heart-rending whimper, this creature is nonetheless never able to bring himself to commit the terrible act of self-mutilation- the act which is his only chance of being free. In perhaps the climax of the film, after listening to his lover's confession of desperation and rage over their unfulfilled lives, Ennis breaks down and reveals his own despair. Practically trembling, he utters an almost guttural plea for Jack, his love, to just let him be. But we know that even these powerfully felt words come from a confused heart, maddened by continual suffering. Indeed, it is only moments before Ennis and Jack are once again in each others' arms. Their passionate love, the love which "is a force of nature", will not release them, and neither will the trap of an uncomprehending and unforgiving society set them free from its grips (although it could destroy them at any time). If I met Heath Ledger on the street, I honestly don't think his good looks could phase me (which is saying a lot!). I would want most of all just to shake his hand and thank him for letting himself inhabit for a while a place of intimidation and shame. He reveals in "Brokeback Mountain" the possibility that quiet, beautiful, suffering love can dwell in the same place as considerable shame, a place where perhaps most of the world's people think shame could only exist by itself. By doing this, he, a straight man, has made a contribution toward the appreciation of gay people as human beings capable of loving each other with a unique dignity. Having said all that, I should now tear myself away from the topic of Heath Ledger, (or Ledger the Great, as he shall now be known to me!). One of the good things about seeing this movie twice is that you can more fully appreciate, Heath Ledger's amazing job aside, that it is an all around beautiful film, with excelllent performances from both Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Williams, and Anne Hathaway. One small but significant contribution the film has made is a deepening of our compassion for women who marry gay men. Beyond this, the film generally helps us to appreciate the suffering of persons led to act out accepted social roles, but in an environment which is not marked by complete honesty and openness, or even its possibility. "Brokeback Montain" mirrors to us our confusing, deceptive social world whose primary casualty is the ever-broken human heart. Attempting to move toward a conclusion, I must confess again that I'm assuredly no movie expert. However, I know that Ang Lee, Larry McMurty, Annie Proulx, and all the cast and crew of Brokeback either A. worked their asses off with consummate skill to make a truly great film or B. muddled their way through it and by the guiding grace of God produced a masterpiece somewhat fortuitously. Perhaps it is a combination of both. We are living in a time in which "the gay thing", as theologian James Alison terms it, has come upon us all. This challenging, at times baffling, and vast phenomenon is slowly being processed by every level of society, culture, and religion. Perhaps I am being presumptuous in suggesting that God may have had a hand in inspiring Brokeback Mountain, but if any gay themed romantic film carries with it the tragic beauty and passion which demand that people of faith at least take a look at it, surely this is the movie. It cannot and should not be ignored. There is a religious, spiritual dimension dwelling within all true art. God, the highest truth, may proclaim himself either quietly or with thunder, but his breath shall never cease and his glory will always be apparent in true beauty. It is in authentic art that the truth about the world and the nature of things can be potentially revealed to us. Through art, let us then immerse ourselves in the reality of the world, ever critical, but also ever passionately attentive. If I may dare for a moment to call myself a Christian, I would like to ask my fellow believers, so many of whom are virtually obsessed by "the gay thing", to give Brokeback Mountain your sincere attention. As St. Paul says in a somewhat different context, but not without relevance to our topic, "Test all things. Hold fast to what is good." The achingly tragic beauty of Ang Lee's new film may actually be good for us. All love is joyful; even tragic love. We will only learn what this film can potentially teach us about love if we give it a chance; if we test it out rather than cast it aside because of a conceited will to be ignorant. I'll end with a quote of the German poet Holderlin. It describes best, I think, the way in which artwork with a strong negative element nevertheless has a very real power to inspire us and give us what is truly, deeply good. "Many endeavored in vain joyfully to express profoundest joy. Here, at last in the tragic I find it expressed." |